This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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