I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
