well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
