i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize