dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
false alarm. still invincible.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
