My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
