my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
