I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
