Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
