just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
How's work?
Spinning.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When are your genitals available?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
