i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
