how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
