I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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