I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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