and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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