You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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