You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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