I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
