My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize