The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
