Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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