No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
