I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Who died my cat blue again?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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