This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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