and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
