Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i may or may not be watching the land before time
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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