i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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