That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
