I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
