If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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