I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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