I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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