One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
