Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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