he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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