moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
