I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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