did you get engaged???
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
