How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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