i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
