i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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