I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize