I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
