turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Mom said you looked used
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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