Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
