Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
