I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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