She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
