I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
