Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Randomize
