this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
