I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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