Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
