Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
