he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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