Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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