My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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