I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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